


those who came before

by WattStalf



Series: Naritaverse Months 16-17 [26]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, idk theyre talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 04:18:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9531182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: I don’t want to be jealous of her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> happy febdurarary you fuckers  
> i have returned to my shitty shinmilia throne

She knows from the beginning that he’s been married before. After all, he’s got a son, and he’s so much older than her, and she’s heard him mention a wife, from time to time, but never in the present tense. It’s a well-known fact that Shingen is single, but that’s as far as Emilia’s knowledge extends. She doesn’t know what lead to him being single, or why his wife is no longer in the picture, or how he feels about her now, and that is part of why she hesitates when pursuing a relationship with him at first.

But then, things escalate, and the two of them end up together, in a fairly serious relationship that probably moves too fast, but neither of them have any complaints about that. Everything becomes suddenly perfect for her, but her doubts creep in from time to time as she remembers the other woman, the one who came before her. She can’t help but wonder, but it’s never seemed like the right time to ask, and there’s no telling how he would react to a question about something like that.

It’s hard to know how to feel about a woman that she knows nothing about. She doesn’t even know if she’s still alive or not. Is Shingen widowed? Or did his wife leave him, or did he leave her? What sort of relationship did they have? Does he ever still miss her? What are the shoes that Emilia is trying to fill? Can she ever hope to live up to the mother of his child?

These thoughts creep up during some of their happiest times, overwhelming her with a sense of anxiety that she doesn’t dare let on to. Part of her wants to know everything about his past marriage, in the hopes of it clearing up her doubt; another part of her never wants to hear a word about it, because it might only make things worse. No matter what, she has to hide her worries from Shingen, and for some time, she’s able to carry on without him suspecting a thing.

But, then, she’s unable to hide it from him completely, or maybe he had his suspicions all along. No matter how good she is at reading him, there are times when she can’t tell what he’s thinking, and times when he manages to surprise her.

“Do you have some time to talk seriously?” he asks her one evening.

“Well, of course,” she says, a little confused. “We’re just sitting here, what else would I be doing?”

“I know, but...if I said I wanted to talk about something kind of heavy, would now be a good time or would you rather wait?”

“Now I have to know what it is,” she replies, feeling herself growing nervous. He doesn’t seem upset with her, and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to end their relationship, but it’s so out of nowhere that she doesn’t know what to expect.

“I feel like something has been bothering you. Am I wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I can’t say for sure, but there are times when you don’t seem entirely secure in our relationship. Do you mind telling me what it’s about?” he asks.

“I...don’t know,” she lies. “Everything is great, I shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

“But you’re worried?”

“I don’t know…”

“Emilia, is it about my ex-wife?”

“So, it’s an ex?” she asks, before she can stop herself. “I mean…”

“Yes, it is, and I had a feeling that was what this is about. I suppose we should have talked about this sooner, but I’d heard that the last thing a new girlfriend wanted to hear about was an ex, so I didn’t know when the right time was. Would you like to hear about what happened?” he asks.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t want you to find out it bothered me,” she says. “If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to!”

“I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything about myself, you know.” As if to prove how genuine he’s being, he pushes his mask up on top of his head, so she can see his eyes while he talks to her.

“Then please tell me.”

“I got married young,” he says, starting his story. “She said she liked that I was so smart and she said she liked all the weird things about me. The way she put it, I was ‘quirky’. Things were fun, at first, but when we had Shinra...I don’t know. Sometimes I think we got married too fast, or had a child too fast, or something. We were both very young, but I suppose there were problems. I’m dense, so I didn’t notice until it was too late.”

“What happened?”

“I guess she got tired of me. I never like to disappoint people, I...this might not sound like me, but I really can’t stand it if someone’s disappointed in me, but I’m dense. All that time, I thought I was keeping her happy, but I did something wrong. I must have, because one day, she told me she wanted a divorce. She never even gave me a chance to talk it over with her, and the next thing I knew...well, it was just me and Shinra. She hasn’t even been a part of  _ his _ life, so I suppose I really upset her. There’s a bit of a resemblance between us, so maybe looking at him…”

“She just left? Both of you?” Emilia’s heart breaks for him as she listens to his story, and she isn’t sure what else to say.

“She did. It hurt a lot at first, because I really hadn’t realized that we were having any problems at all. Over time, I forced myself to accept the facts, and decided it would be more worth it to love our son than to waste my time loving someone who didn’t love me, but...well, I’ve never been the best father!” He laughs at that, but she isn’t sure if he’s really feeling all that humorous.

As much as she hates to think something so selfish, it hurts her to hear this story. To know that he once loved his ex-wife...to know that, had she not left him, he would probably still be with her today...it hurts her to know that somebody hurt him, but it also hurts her to think about him in love with somebody else. She doesn’t want to be jealous, but she is.

And, as if he can read her mind, he says, “Any feelings I had for her died when I realized that she was too selfish to take care of her own son. She left him with me when she left me, and that was the end of that. He never told me if it bothered him or not, but that didn’t really matter. It still hurts to think about, but don’t think for a second that I regret it. If she's the kind of woman who could leave her own son, she’s not the kind I want to be married to. That’s what I always told myself, and it’s true.”

“I don’t want to be jealous of her,” says Emilia. “I’m really selfish too and I’m sorry…”

Pulling her into a hug, he says, “I don’t think you’re selfish at all, pumpkin. Or, at least, no more selfish than anyone else in the world. If you had any exes for me to worry about, I would be jealous too. Hell, I’m jealous just knowing that some men in the labs used to have their eyes on you! But you’re the one I’m with now, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“I wouldn’t leave you like that,” she says, snuggling closer to him. “I wouldn’t ever leave you like that. And...and if I ever meet Shinra, I’ll be extra nice to him to make up for his mom leaving!”

She wonders if she’s being too forward by saying something like that, if Shingen is going to look deeper into her words. Of course, she wants to marry him now more than ever, and she wants to be a mother to Shinra despite never meeting him, and she wants to make up for all the bad they ever went through, but she’s afraid of rushing things. Still, Shingen doesn’t seem bothered by anything she says, and just hugs her tighter.

“I’m going to do my best not to ever let you down,” is all that he says.


End file.
